Just a moment ago, whilst smoking an afternoon cigarette, I was enjoying a flood of ideas. A veritable stream of consciousness.
Alas, I was nowhere near a voice recorder, or a keyboard, or even a smartphone. Now that I am, the once torrential stream of consciousness has slowed to a trickle.
Of course…
You can forget about all those great ideas you think I thought I had a minute ago, because I already did. But now it’s over.
You see, I was completely preoccupied with huffing nicotine and soaking up the soothingly sweet ambiance of a sleepy country cul-de-sac, tucked away deep inside the belldom of a major interstate valley sound dome.
It’s never, not rush hour it seems – be it thoughts or traffic noise. That’s more of a city thing though, I suppose. Rush hour is more often a term used strictly for urban congestion.
But it bleeds out across the countryside, past off ramps and down freeway corridors, through time zones and across train tables. The endless symphony of spinning axels; as rubber draws against asphalt strings; the occasional interlude from the horns section, knows no rest and sings a steady song on repeat –
All. Night. Long. All Night
If you heard song lyrics in those last five words, then stick around – because you’re going to love fake-business-brainstorm, coming up after a brief message from our sponsors.
Monpreme Brand Cat-Fishers Hand Crafted Catertainment Toys
Are you tired of flimsy, disposable cat toys made in third-world countries by hungry wage slaves?
CatFisher™ is a durable, quality cat toy you can keep for life because it is hand-crafted by expert artisans right here in the USA, by well-fed tax servants in the great state of Missouri.
Are you fed up with dime-store-dollar-junk?
No more products made of Earth-melting petrochemical byproducts that burst in your hand, poke you in the eye and seriously injure your feline friend. What a catastrophe! Kitty just ate a whole pound of catnip infused synthetic polyfill!
Never Again™! Sure, we use synthetic catnip infused polyfill, but we also aspire to having an organic catnip garden. Not just to cut out yet another string from the web of our supply chain, but because we care about the planet and the health of your pet.
Plus, all of our polyfill is impregnated with catnip by hand in a garage-based “factory” with real cats. Just think of the vet bills if you choose the other brand of cat toys you were considering! Think of the personal injury attorney costs. Won’t somebody stop and think about the Juris Doctor grease balls trying to make a couple bucks off your permanently bloodshot eye? Lawyers need lunch too!
Don’t you hate spending hundreds of dollars on cheap toys your cats don’t even like?
Ditch the messy baskets of hairball covered poofs, half-digested synthetic feathers and cat-crack-stuffed cotton mice. Keep your cat-time playfully organized and your floors clutter-free so the robot-vac can work unimpeded.
Are you ready for Catertainment?
Get Hooked on Cat-Fisher’s Today (Link Coming Soon!)!
Order the final cat toy you’ll ever buy! It’s that great! It’s Monopreme’s brand-new product! Cat-Fisher’s Hand Crafted Catertainment Toys (CFHCCT) – Made right here in the USA! It’s the Ultimate in Catertainment!
This invention needs a less verbose brand name. A tastier ACRONYM! Something more logo-able. More succinct, if we’re being polite. Simply, Cat-Fishers™. The only lingering question left with this name is the inclusion of the possessive apostrophe, or not. Is it the Cat Fisher’s toy, or is it the Cat Fisher? Do fish fishers refer to the tools of their trade by brand name? I’ll have to ask a fisherman but be appropriately skeptical of their claims. Frankly, I’m not even sure where to find a bonafide fisherman. I’d imagine the real ones are all out fishing somewhere. Maybe a fisher-poser on an online forum could be of assistance.
Be part of the new, durable, D.I.Y. assembly, fully customizable, indoor-cat-toy & eHobby* sweeping the nation! It comes with a visual instruction manual on how to assemble your first Cat-Fishers Rod, a collection of custom-cat-tackle, a booklet of exciting Cat Fisher tips, tricks and tutorials, videos of people making big catches, a polaroid (or a printout) of Rocco & Jasper testing the new builds.
*eHobby will be deployed as a marketing strategy for Cat Fishers™ by Monopreme. What is an eHobby you ask? Just the most consumerist-fun way to enjoy your new, most favoritest product ever! Simply record videos of you and your cat buddies playing with Cat Fisher and post them online with the hashtag #catfisher (or #catfishing #catfished #pussfisher #felinefisher #chonkfishing #loaffisher #friendofisher #frendofisher #somethingcleverer)
#note on hashtags
Is there anything that could possibly be more difficult than trying to use a hashtag to promote a cat fishing toy online that will outperform either the pescatarian sport of actual cat fishing or the online dating phenomenon of not being as ****able as your online photos? A monumental task, to be sure. A sort of demonstration of capability, if achieved. An insurmountable task all along, in the event of failure. People have been using bare hands and bald-faced to catfish in contemporary culture for decades, if not longer. The only thing that could really complicate matters is to incorporate some sort of phrase that refers to the eHobby as noddling, or catfisting. Did you know that catching catfish with your fist is also known as noodling? If you CatFish™ in the nude, that could be noodling. An extreme version of CatFishing™ that should not be shared online, unless it’s on OnlyFans.
As another note, CatFishing™ custom-made, quality cat toys will benefit from being a cat-family-friendly endeavor. The bare minimum of innuendo will benefit the bottom line…
Topics To Address
Trademarks, Patents and Taxes
Did you know the processing time for filing a new trademark application with the United States Trademark and Patent Office (USPTO) is 13 months?! On top of that it will cost between $250-$350 just to self-file according to Google.
Don’t be cheap! Somebody has to pay those law school professors’ salaries. Guess what. Government clerks don’t feed themselves lunch meat sandwiches and packaged juice beverages by themselves. Think about the lunch. Don’t think about how many trademarked products you’d have to sell just to break even. (Monopreme needs to sell a bushel* of Cat Fishers™ just to cover the nut on the paperwork. *ask about our volume discounts!)
But don’t take my word for it, learn more about the exciting world of filing paperwork and paying fees for government lawyers to review your claims of commercial exclusivity over at the U.S. Patents & Trademark Office website. Trademark something while you’re over there if you’ve got a couple hundred bucks to spare.
Liabilities
God Bless America. Land of the litigious. You’re free to sue anyone for anything. As long as you’ve got the cash. Transact enough business in this great land and face the inevitable consequences of your success by defending yourself against the envy of strangers.
What started out as your dream product is now some bum’s payday daydream. There wasn’t any warning on the everyday object you were selling to warn consumers of its potential dangers. Why? Because the list of potential dangers for any object that exists is limited only by the bounds of your imagination. Monopreme can’t foresee every potential outcome of every possible interaction with our products and services. That would take 1000 years. But, just for fun let’s see if we can limit some of those liabilities. If I say you can’t sue me, you can’t. You agreed when you used the product. That’s the law (probably.)
Every Cat Fisher™ sold is crafted with love and painstaking attention to detail. “We” dream of the endless hours of entertainment and companionship you’ll enjoy with your favorite feline friend when playing vigorous CatFish Games™.
Not too vigorous though. Cat Fisher™ may cause serious injury or even death in extreme situations. To be fair, the situation in which death might occur should be fairly rare. You’d have to be getting pretty extreme or intentionally malicious to cause death, but it’s not impossible. Never intentionally strike another living being with Cat Fisher™. You monster. Cat Fisher™ is a toy, not a weapon. Do not use Cat Fisher™ in commission, planning, furtherance or observation of a criminal act. Cat Fisher™ should not be wildly swung around without necessary caution when used indoors or in confined spaces. Everything is flammable – ask a Chemistry Professor. This includes several components used in the manufacturing of Cat Fisher™. If you live in California, Cat Fisher™ probably needs a Prop. 65 warning. Do not operate Cat Fisher™ around open flames without the supervision of a licensed, bonded and insured professional. Do not use Cat Fisher™ while driving, bicycling or kayaking. Your cat wouldn’t like it anyway. Do not use Cat Fisher™ while under the influence of mood, mind or gastrointestinal comfort altering drugs. Unless it’s Monopreme brand CatFisherNip™, in which case get silly with it. Wear appropriate protective equipment and apparel when operating Cat Fisher™ to reduce potential hazards. Do not consume any component of Cat Fisher™ – it’s not a sandwich.
Sourcing materials
The first Cat Fisher I built was made entirely of Wal-Mart available materials. It consists of a dowel rod, two 1-3/8 in. screw eyes, 550 paracord, a tennis ball and some duct tape. Sourcing materials from end-consumer hubs like Wally World is a guaranteed way to overpay for parts in the long run. I think. I haven’t done the math, but it sounds right, right? Tracking down suppliers for bulk orders, while initially costly in terms of initial costs, will pay off in the long run. Who even sells wholesale rubber clips? Is there a dowel rod outlet somewhere? They’re coming from somewhere. I assume there is a dowel rod factory in a sleepy dowel rod-ville over the hill some place. There has to be. Once I figure out who holds the catalog to the parts I’ll be needing, then we’ll be in business.
Probably. I’m not a math-whiz over here, I’m an inventor. Soon to be an investor. Formerly indentured. That is, if Cat Fishers are the madly popular product craze I intend on making them. Traditional wisdom suggests establishing a well thought out business plan to chart a course towards success. Dot your T’s and cross your I’s that is.
However, according to Monopreme, it is less important to evaluate a venture based on its probability of success given existing metrics than it is to “Just Go For It” (unless that phrase is Trademarked, in which case I’m bankrupt).
It’s better to manifest your product’s destiny based on the sheer power of will than any of that nerd stuff. Unless your will is malleable, and the nerds’ market forces are exclusive of your vision to your eviscerating financial destitution. But Monopreme never lets something like market forces stand in the way of a good time. That’s not our motto. We don’t have a motto yet, but it wouldn’t be that.
Manufacturing, cost of time labor / materials
I started a list of basic products that were required to build the O.G. CatFisher™ by Monopreme.com Enjoy a brief look at my mental labor in this convenient table:
Convenient Table
| Cost | Cost / Unit | Item / (Brand) | Quantity |
| 0.97 | 0.097 | Screw Eyes (Hyper Tough) | 10 |
| 04.88 | 0.0676 / ft | Paracord (Ozark Trail) | 50 ft |
| 1.42 | 1.42 | Wood Dowel 5/8″ x 36″ (Hello Hobby Wood) | 1 |
| 54.99 | 0.5499 | Tennis Ball | 100 |
| 4.98 | 0.03 | Duct Tape | 165 ft |
| 9.99 | 1.65 | Foam Tube | 6 ft |
| 5.50 | 0.055 | Jingle Bells (jxfwels) | 100 pc |
| 7.59 | 0.1518 | Plastic Hooks | 50 pc |
| 21.98 | ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? | Shellac (Zinsser) | 1 qt |
| $100.05 | 6.2587 | CatFisher™ | 1 + benefits! |
This list is incomplete, as I realized I still need to experiment with wood finishes. If only I hadn’t been kicked out of Wood Shop. I have no idea how much shellac will be needed to fully coat a dowel rod. If you are a shellac expert and have the time to spare, leave a comment below and help me calculate my future shellac related expenses.
Chop It Up, Water It Down, Shellac It Up
I’ve always been suspicious that people don’t really love trees as much as they do. Sure, we surround ourselves with trees. We breathe calmly beneath their gatherings. We sit in their shade and sometimes share it with a very angry squirrel.
But we don’t really love trees that much. We’re constantly painting over their bones in our houses, our furniture and our toys. Stain it, laquer it, shellac it up, paint it. Cover in epoxy, sand it down, shellac it up. Anything to rub on the manufactured products of their tree-flesh. Anything to forget how we cut them down and wore them like a hat.
Maybe all the embellishment is just to give our creations a little flourish. A finishing touch and a tiny sparkle – that was maybe a little bit of magic. Probably glitter, bu t either way – it looks nice. I’d bet many a wood worker has imagined themselves as magical creators during the finishing stages before.
Frankly, I’m not even 100% on the length of the CatFisher rod yet. The 36″ is very roddish, but it’s also fairly hazardous when used indoors if you’re not giving CatFishing™ 100% of your attention. Also, it would be terrifyingly expensive to ship at that length. It might make more sense to make it collapsible, like a pool cue. Then again, the length is a sign of its quality. The value proposition of hand-crafted, high-quality cat toys like CatFisher by Monopreme, is that it is has superior workmanship and durability compared to the other junk you might buy. And it’s made right here, in America – by Missourians.
Either way, I might be able to whack one dowel rod into 2 or 3. Saw it in half, at least. I could probably even buy them at shorter length and not have to do the cutting myself. I’ll have to find an expert wood dealer and solicit their advice on the matter. Or check the internet.
Packaging, printing, inserts, QR codes, UPCs
Do I have to? Isn’t the whole point of buying “Made in USA Missouri” by Monopreme brand merchandise to support local economies? How are you going to accomplish this with internet sales? And shipping? Not exactly local when you ship it to Utah, or Nebraska, or sell it on eBay, or Etsy or some other marketplace. You’re going to need to factor in the cost of packaging, ese. The point is, we have a factory of local craftsmen. At least one.
Advertising costs, budget (social media, direct mail, billboard)
A lot. Some say, too much.
Competitor evaluation, pricing strategy, market analysis, marketing
Always leave the most fun, and most important thing for last. Then, don’t do it.
The Hobby Phase
Some of the best projects, done by the finest crafstman, artists, engineers – have been accomplished because brilliant people kept a hobby and turned it into a business. That’s a good fairytale at least. Maybe even more than one. I, myself, am not claiming to be brilliant, just making the point. Keep up on that sentence and see how much it proves it?
Sorry, I’ve been smelling too much solvent. Just kidding, I haven’t ordered it yet. I’ve wasted $100 on even less fruitless things, much faster before. Thanks, Vegas. But $100 is a $100, as someone else said, once. I’ve never been less worried that I just shit my pants than I am right now. It’s more of a certainty. It’s a very reassuring feeling.
Everything in the world, is as it is. Calming. Warm. No problem here, it’s already done. That’s a thing of the past, present and future. Just let it exist.
It’s not limited by dimensions like CatFisher’s brand, Monopreme brand™ Cat Fisher & Cattitude Experiencing Device, the CFbMbCFCED.
I bet that’s a color.
(#CFCFCE) is, a light grey. “Greyish Yellow” according to the color compendium at https://www.colorhexa.com/cfcfce. Almost like the cats I have, but not quite. Lighter than most parts of both their coats. That color of grey contrasts very well with the “cat laser pointer” red #FF0000 “Pure (or mostly pure) Red” – drinking up that magenta, and that yellow-colored ink.
This is what (#CFCFCE) sounds like on a Yamaha YPG-235 keyboard on the 001 Grand Piano voice.
Monopreme 
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